Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to SESSHOMARU
by twilightm00n
Summary: Rejoice! You are the recipient of your very own SESSHOMARU unit! To receive the full benefits of this eerily beautiful youkai with an ego the size of Texas, please read these instructions carefully. Now with more chappies! KOUGA up!
1. SESSHOMARU

Disclaimer: Inuyasha is not mine otherwise Sesshy wouldn't even be in the show he'd be stuck in my house all the time heh. Also this format does not belong to me, but to Theresa Green. Unfortunately, I didn't receive a reply from the author that created this format (I waited a _long_ time), so this disclaimer will have to do.

**Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to SESSHOMARU**

Rejoice! You are the recipient of your very own SESSHOMARU unit! To receive the full benefits of this eerily beautiful youkai with an ego the size of Texas, please read these instructions carefully.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: SESSHOMARU

Sex: Male

Age: Really, really old

Height: 6' 7"

Weight: 221 lbs

Manufacturer: Inu Youkai Incorporated

**Your SESSHOMARU unit comes with the following accessories:**

White kimono with hakama

Black pointy boots

Spiked armor

Yellow and blue sash

Priceless family heirloom pelt (_not _a tail)

Tenseiga

Tokijin (only available for the limited edition BAD-ASS SESSHOMARU)

Human arm (x1)

Dragon claw (x1)

Super Shiny Conditioner

Note: When you receive your SESSHOMARU unit you may notice that he is lacking his left arm. This is entirely normal. Your SESSHOMARU is not damaged in any way.

**Programming**

Your SESSHOMARU comes with a variety of functions and modes. These are just some of his many uses.

Bully Deterrent: Your SESSHOMARU unit is an ideal, all-around bodyguard that will make you enemies quake in fear! With an arsenal of acid-spewing claws, inhuman agility, glowing whips and a glare of instant death, you will never have to lose your lunch money again!

Decoration: The SESSHOMARU unit will be a tasteful addition to any part of your home! With his ability to stand really, really still for long periods of time and his scrumptious looks (!!!), your house will be the talk of the town! Warning! Your SESSHOMARU unit may be continually mobbed by rabid fangirls. If this occurs, copious amounts of bloodshed will ensue as your SESSHOMARU will not tolerate any touch except your own.

Ornamental Scarecrow: Your SESSHOMARU will scare away any crows guaranteed! Now, your precious crops will never be eaten again! Warning! Although all crows will stay away from the SESSHOMARU, some other birds may not do so due to their lack of intelligence (i.e.: pigeons). Being as these kinds of birds generally tend to leave their feces on stationary objects, this may result in your SESSHOMARU shifting into homicidal mode.

Dog Show Entry: The SESSHOMARU unit will enable you to win any dog show with ease. Just shift your SESSHOMARU into transform mode (see FAQ) and watch your competition go down in flames (literally!)

**Your SESSHOMARU unit comes with the following modes:**

Stick-up-the-ass (default): In this mode, your SESSHOMARU is painstakingly arrogant and aloof as a result of his gigantic superiority complex. He will constantly refer to himself as "this SESSHOMARU" and generally be extremely antisocial. Note: In this mode your SESSHOMARU will not get along with most units, especially INUYASHAS.

Homicidal: This mode unleashes your SESSHOMARU into a murderous rage! Everything and everyone will be demolished in minutes (that is if he's feeling lazy, otherwise it's in seconds). The only people that will be spared are RIN units, KAGOME units, AH-UN units, yourself and (if he's feeling particularly generous) JAKEN units. Note: After killing everything the SESSHOMARU will probably not revive anything with the Tenseiga even if you ask him to.

Transformed (locked): In this mode your SESSHOMARU will shift into his full-out doggy form! Although he often drools flesh-melting acid in this mode, the fluffy cuteness will sway even the coldest of dispositions. Ride around in style on your SESSHOMARU'S back to impress your pals (just be careful not to squash them) or perform your own version of Godzilla! Note: This mode should not be unlocked anywhere near cats of any kind.

Alternative (locked): In this mode your SESSHOMARU unit will actually be somewhat cordial and amicable. He will sometimes start conversations on his own and interact with units. Miracles do happen! However, once in the presence of any insane fangirls, the SESSHOMARU will revert back to Stick-up-the-ass mode immediately.

**Relations to Other Units**

Your SESSHOMARU is in a state of emotional constipation as a result of his ice prince personality and lack of any plushies to play with as a child. Therefore, any relationships with other units will take a _really_ long time to develop unless the Alternative mode is unlocked.

RIN: This unit is the little girl that SESSHOMARU saved from death with the Tenseiga, proving that yes, SESSHOMARU units are capable of good deeds. SESSHOMARUS will usually tolerate the antics of RINS although they do get annoyed occasionally. SESSHOMARUS, however, will never tolerate wearing the flower garlands that RINS are fond of creating. Attempting to force him to wear one is not recommended.

JAKEN: This unit is the unsavory lackey of SESSHOMARU that is disgustingly subservient to SESSHOMARU. Your SESSHOMARU unit usually ignores JAKENS unless they begin to suck-up too much. Then, the SESSHOMARU may kill the JAKEN and refuse to revive him no matter how many times you ask him to. If, by some chance, the SESSHOMARU doesn't kill the JAKEN, he will pound him with a fist or rocks instead.

AH-UN: This unit is the scaly mount of SESSHOMARU, RIN and JAKEN. He possesses 2 heads and enjoys eating the chocolate that KAGOME provides. Your SESSHOMARU will mostly let him guard the group from potential threats.

KAGOME: This unit met SESSHOMARU when he attempted to steal Tessaiga and encounters him often. KAGOMES are capable of unlocking the Alternative modes of SESSHOMARUS with a lot of effort. Once unlocked, the Alternative mode allows SESSHOMARUS to court KAGOMES (who will leave INUYASHAS) and be mates. ()

INUYASHA: This unit is the half-brother of your SESSHOMARU. When placed together they will fight furiously, to the exasperation of other units. SESSHOMARUS will always beat INUYASHAS easily unless a KAGOME steps in to help or if the INUYASHA discovers the kaze no kizu. Their mutual hatred stems from a childhood incident regarding a favorite toy, drooling, and an enraged child cat youkai. (Don't ask…)

NARAKU: SESSHOMARUS loath NARAKUS because of their tendency to kidnap RINS, attempts to absorb him and unhealthy obsessions with baboon cloaks. Any interaction between the two will be bloody, but entertaining.

**Cleaning**

Your SESSHOMARU is fully capable of performing cleaning functions by himself. Do not attempt to help him with these matters unless you have no self-preservation. Grooming his hair, however, is perfectly alright for your health. (.)

**Feeding and Rest**

SESSHOMARU units are entirely able to feed themselves. They enjoy oden, Thai dishes and have a strange affinity for cookies & cream ice cream. Note: It is not recommended that SESSHOMARUS are fed huge amounts of cookies & cream ice cream because doing so will result in a sugar-high which will result in a mass-destruction of the human race. You don't want that on your conscience do you?

SESSHOMARUS will only rest for about 3 hours daily due to an ingrained sense of paranoia.

**Disposal**

Sadly, you may become weary of your SESSHOMARU'S constant frigid attitude and bloodlust. However, no SESSHOMARUS have ever been successfully disposed of due to their annoying invulnerability. It is not recommended that you attempt to do if you place value on your life.

**FAQ**

Question: My SESSHOMARU keeps on finding all of my cookies & cream ice cream and eating it all! How do I stop him?

Answer: Try purchasing a NARAKU and have him spread his miasma around your house so your SESSHOMARU cannot find the scent of the ice cream. Warning: Breathing in large amounts of miasma, while not detrimental to your SESSHOMARU, can kill you.

Question: How do I unlock my SESSHOMARU'S Transformed mode?

Answer: Purchase an INUYASHA and have them fight over the Tessaiga in their father's grave. Your SESSHOMARU should transform during the fight in a blind rage.

Question: How do I unlock the Alternative mode?

Answer: Purchase a KAGOME and RIN. Then have them partake in a bonding session (preferably a picnic). Overcome, with a fuzzy feeling of contentment, your SESSHOMARU will realize that he wishes to protect them at all costs and unlock his Alternative mode.

Question: My SESSHOMARU was mobbed by my friends because of his hotness and shifted into Homicidal mode. How can I snap him out of it?

Answer: You can't. Our advice is to start looking for good hospitals.

Question: Why does my SESSHOMARU look so much prettier than me when I'm a girl?

Answer: Because life isn't fair.

**Trouble Shooting**

Problem: Why does my SESSHOMARU keep on calling me "his woman?"

Solution: You may have purchased a KOUGA by mistake. Call the manufacturer to do an exchange.

Problem: My SESSHOMARU went into Homicidal mode because I wouldn't give him ice cream and now he's after me!

Solution: Run as fast as you can and don't look back. Good luck, you'll need it.

Problem: I purchased a SESSHOMARU and RIN, but they won't get together even when I unlocked his Alternative mode.

Solution: You are a sick, sick person. Does the word "cradle-robber" mean anything to you? Try a KAGOME instead.

_With proper guidance and care your SESSHOMARU will become an egotistical, magenta-striped inu youkai bent on getting his brother's sword. His warranty is good for 5 years but will be voided if he commits mass genocide of all ningens. Please contact our mailing address for further information._


	2. KOUGA

**AN:** Well at long last here is a continuation of my Maintenance Manuals. Hope this is up to par with the others. Kouga was being stupid and hard to write. From this point on I will be updating the manuals with the Sesshomaru one being the primary story. In other words you will find other units under the title of Sesshomaru. Miroku will be by himself however because he's a pervert and because I don't feel like reloading him. So enjoy guys and **review me with who you want next!** Provided I have enough inspiration I'll go with whoever is most popular.

**Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to KOUGA**

Start your dance of happiness! You are the ecstatic recipient of a KOUGA unit! To make the most of this brazen, pony-tailed wolf with a mouth that can _never_ shut up, please read the following instructions carefully.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: KOUGA

Sex: Male

Age: ?? (although he acts five)

Height: 6'3

Weight 197 lb

Manufacturer: Princely Pups

**Your KOUGA comes with the following accessories:**

-chest plate

-fur kilt

-fur armbands (X2)

-fur shoulder pads (X2)

-fur leg warmers/sandals (X2)

-katana (X1) (that he never uses…)

-pony-tail tie (X1)

-inhaler (to help clear his airway after running in that whirlwind of dust)

-The Ultimate Treadmill

-Shikon shards (X2)

Note: When you receive your KOUGA you may notice that his legs are constantly twitching due to excess energy from the Shikon shards. This is entirely normal. Your KOUGA is not damaged in any way.

**Programming:**

KOUGA units, while they are sometimes (well all the time really) annoying, they are very useful in a variety of functions.

**Rickshaw Carrier: **Since all KOUGAs can run really fast over long distances, they are perfect for transportation services! Get carted around in style and impress your friends with his speed! (That is if they do not have a SESSHOMARU in transformed mode…that's way cooler.) Note: KOUGAs have a carrying capacity of one ton. More than that will cause a hernia and is not highly recommended.

**Rent-a-Date** (if you're a girl): KOUGA units are notoriously desperate for mates and will happily act as yours if you can prove you can see Shikon shards (See FAQ for details). However, after that one date KOUGAs tend to get horribly clingy (See trouble shooting).

**Entertainment:** KOUGAs are amazingly fun to watch due to their excessive egos and big mouths. Just set your KOUGA unit up with an INUYASHA and KAGOME unit (others are optional) and watch it hit the fan! Sits will abound, fists (or feet) will fly and increasingly uninventive insults will make your boring day become obsolete! Add a few HARPY units to make it even better! Warning: The addition of any HARPY units may result in an injured KOUGA, a sulking INUYASHA and a fuming KAGOME.

**Your KOUGA unit comes with the following modes:**

**Obnoxiously Twitchy (default):** As a result of the two Shikon shards in his legs and a diet mostly consisting of sugar, your KOUGA unit is unable to stand still for any set amount of time. In this mode KOUGAs tend to sprint extremely fast, cause destructive whirlwinds and leave GINTAS and HAKKAKUs behind.

**Sexist Sweet Talker (for female owners only):** In this mode KOUGA units will constantly refer to their owner as "his woman" despite any attempts to convince him otherwise. KOUGAs are mysteriously deaf to any other units or people until they finish trying to charm their targets. KAGOMES are extremely popular victims which annoy INUYASHAs to no end.

**Immature Schoolboy (locked):** This mode entails KOUGAs throwing unimaginative insults and blowing raspberries at anyone who challenges him. KOUGAs will not listen to reason (big surprise) and will insist on fighting to ensure his male pride. INUYASHA units particularly bring out this stubborn streak. (See FAQ to unlock).

**Alternative mode (locked):** KOUGA units become noticeably less twitchy in this mode and are capable of settling down with AYAME units. Although they will not stop flirting with KAGOMES or baiting INUYASHAs, the Alternative mode allows the owner to stop tearing their hair out from KOUGA overload.

**Relations to Other Units:**

KOUGAs tend to get irritating no matter how patient or forgiving the other units or you are. Therefore, contact with other units should be kept fairly minimal (which shouldn't be a problem since KOUGAs tend to leave without warning for long periods of time).

**GINTA and HAKKAKU:** These are the wolf lackeys that endlessly trail after the wolf prince due to some sort of misguided loyalty. Although KOUGAs do not usually acknowledge either of them, they will protect them if necessary because they are the only ones left from his clan.

**KAGOME:** Every KOUGA's dream mate and most unrealistic prospect. After learning of KAGOME's innate talent for finding Shikon shards KOUGA fell in love with her and has courted (plagued) her ever since. KAGOMEs tolerate KOUGAs unless they are in Immature Schoolboy mode. If the KOUGA is in this mode, slight damage to the unit may occur.

**INUYASHA:** The rival for love of all KOUGAs, both units do not normally get along unless facing a NARAKU unit. Most interaction between them consists of rather crude language, kicking in the face and badly aimed kaze no kizus. For this reason, both units should always be supervised by a KAGOME unit.

**KAGURA:** KOUGAs loathe KAGURA units due to their penchant of slaughtering KOUGA's packmates and clan. Do not have the units engage unless you want your KOUGA unit to go through a substantial amount of stress and beatings.

**Cleaning:**

Your KOUGA is perfectly able to groom and clean himself without any outside help. Trying to do so will most likely cause the KOUGA to feel resentful since he is not a pervert (that we know of). Special soap for fleas may be required for some of the units.

**Feeding and Rest:**

KOUGAs can fend for themselves in regards to cooking because they prefer to hunt and eat their meat raw. Several boars should be released into a nearby forest for best results. However, any sweets in the vicinity will promptly be consumed regardless of whether permission was given to do so. KOUGAs sleep for 9 hours at the least due to crashes from overdosing on sugar.

**Disposal:**

Unfortunately, KOUGAs require a lot of patience to deal with and may become too wearisome to keep around. To dispose of your unit have a KAGURA or NARAKU unit in Sadistic mode take care of the problem. Note that KAGOMEs and INUYASHAs should not be near by otherwise they will interfere and rescue the KOUGA.

**FAQ:**

Question: I thought all KOUGA units were desperate for a mate but I can't even get him to go out with me! What can I do to convince him?

Answer: First you have to prove you can see Shikon shards. We recommend purchasing/finding a rose quartz stone, hiding it beforehand in a room and then pointing it out to the KOUGA. Once he manages to get it, the KOUGA will grace you with unswerving loyalty. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Question: How do I unlock the Immature Schoolboy mode? I'm seriously bored and want to see some battling!

Answer: Simply get an INUYASHA to interact with your KOUGA. Their clashing personalities will automatically push your KOUGA into the mode. Getting him out of it however is a different story (see trouble shooting).

Question: My KOUGA won't shut up about me being his woman even though I'm a guy! My friends won't stop laughing at me!

Answer: Purchase a KAGOME to divert his attentions, otherwise refer to the following disposal method above. As for your friends laughing, you could buy a NARAKU unit to extract revenge at your convenience. Note: Any revenge via a NARAKU unit is likely to get you double crossed and killed.

Question: How do I unlock the Alternative mode? My KOUGA is driving me nuts!

Answer: Extract the Shikon shards embedded in your KOUGA's legs using tweezers or by enlisting the help of a NARAKU. Warning: Using a NARAKU for the extraction may cause permanent injury to your KOUGA from infection because NARAKUs are not very hygienic.

**Trouble Shooting:**

Problem: After going out with my KOUGA once he won't ever leave me alone and won't take no for an answer!

Solution: Find another potential mate (preferably an Alternative SESSHOMARU) and make out with him in front of your KOUGA. If he doesn't get that message you're probably screwed. If this seems too cruel buy a KAGOME unit to soften the blow.

Problem: My KOUGA just _won't _shut up. I'm ready to tear out my eardrums without anesthetic.

Solution: Sorry that can't be fixed. KOUGAs are by nature that way. Look above for the recommended disposal.

Problem: My KOUGA won't stop giving me the fisheye and calling me a piece of dog crap. Is it because I wear my Inuyasha cosplay outfit all the time?

Solution: Yep. Try wearing something else instead and preferably not red.

Problem: This KOUGA unit is permanently stuck on Immature Schoolboy for some reason. I have no idea how to fix it.

Solution: Remove any INUYASHA units from the vicinity and have a SANGO help out with her Hiraikotsu attachment. Even hard heads crack under enough pressure.

_With the proper guidance and care your KOUGA unit will be able to flirt with ease while remaining oblivious to any death signals sent towards his way courtesy of any other units. His warranty is good for only 2 years because of his ability to infuriate the most patient being. Please contact our mailing address for further information._


End file.
